Dad jokes

[Mozai]

I had never been to a brothel before, so the first thing I did was talk to several prostitutes to compare prices. One was much cheaper than the rest, and I asked her why. "I'm giving a discount right now because I'm basically relearning to have sex. I was assigned male at birth and just completed reassignment surgery. I'm looking for feedback on my performance." I decided to give her a chance. I paid her, and we had amazing sex. She asked me to fill out a questionnaire before I left. I picked one up from the table and read the first question: "Were you satisfied with the trans action?"

[rachel]

I had never been to a brothel before, so the first thing I did was talk to several prostitutes to compare prices. One was much cheaper than the rest, and I asked her why. "I'm giving a discount right now because I'm basically relearning to have sex. I was assigned male at birth and just completed reassignment surgery. I'm looking for feedback on my performance." I decided to give her a chance. I paid her, and we had amazing sex. She asked me to fill out a questionnaire before I left. I picked one up from the table and read the first question: "Were you satisfied with the trans action?"

this punchline is a real groaner

[Mozai]

[Mozai]

[Mozai]

A doctor and a deaf man loved the same girl.  Every day the doctor would give the woman a rose, and everyday the deaf man would give the woman an apple. The woman got confused and one day asked the deaf man "Of course I understand why the doctor gives me a rose, but why do you give me an apple?"

The deaf man replied "What?"

[Mozai]

[Mozai]

on New Year's Eve, we sing...

[here cums the fuck truck]

[here cums the fuck truck]

[Mozai]

So last night I went out for a burger. There was a woman doing maintenance toward the back of the restaurant. As I made my way past her to the restroom, she asked me if I wanted to go out back and smoke some weed with her...
I said "no thanks, I'm not into high maintenance women."

[Mozai]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer.

The third orders a quarter of a beer....

"I don't serve quarter pints" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #3

"A half pint is fine. No quarters" The bartender remarks.

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"I've got to clean all these glasses, remember"

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #2 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "they are tricky sure, but hardly advanced! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

[Mozai]

I told my son I now identify as invisible -- although I was born visible, I am now a trans-parent.  My pronouns are who/where.

[Mozai]

I asked for the cube root, not a ___ ____

[rachel]

[here cums the fuck truck]